pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
