His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
