So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
