Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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