You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
