My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Please, let me fuck your mom
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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