it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
