Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
