She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize