You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
