Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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