My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
this is an emotional support booty call
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
