I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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