Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
