I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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