my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
