note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
