I wish my penis had an off switch
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize