did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
