Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
