First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize