woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
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