you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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