i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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