After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize