Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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