so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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