matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
