Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
