my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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