My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
