If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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