What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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