Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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