i'm signing you up for texting rehab
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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