I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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