I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
