I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She needs sedatives and a leash
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize