The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i drank out of a bidet.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize