Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My first STD was from a foam party
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
