Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
