Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
