eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
