Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
