I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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