I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
