Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
