The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
