i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
