Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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