Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
