Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
