Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
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