I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
