just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I think I just sharted jello shots
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