I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
