It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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