Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
